The test was completely and thoroughly demoralizing. It was about what I'd expected and I thought I'd be ok at first, but I couldn't finish it. Got maybe 1/2 - 2/3rds through. Total fail. Extra studying this time around wouldn't have helped. I just need to change my entire studying regime and study better in general.
I've also lately thought about how research was different as an undergrad. And how it was possible for me to work 60 hr weeks and get things done and study. It was a lot less work. I could come in and blitz things and get things done in smaller chucks I think because there was less planning/thinking involved. I just had to make x mutants, until I got them all, then isolate and analyze their RNA. It was lots of tedium that I could plow through without thought. And, even though Bijoy forced me to be independent, he was more of a crutch than I knew at the time. Doing everything myself and all the thought involved with my current work is a lot more time consuming - I enjoy it a lot more - but I can't rush in and blitz stuff like I used to, then have my evenings for study. It's all different. I don't always have evenings. Hours are weird. I don't know what takes longer about it really. It just does. That's no excuse - just an observation. It's interesting.
Though, I had my next experiments planned in my head yesterday already. I can't stop thinking about them. One could say I'm always obsessively planning those on some level. So ... But it still takes longer anyway. I'm confused. Research isn't to blame. It's just me and everything else, I'm pretty sure. Mostly just me.
Overall, being in grad school is totally my favorite thing ever. I totally cherish the Salaita lab, doing experiments and learning things in all my classes, and reading papers. I'm just really demoralized right now and feel like I suck at it. But, well, there's always tomorrow. I'll keep trying.