Overflowing with Inexpressible Happiness
I really never thought this day would EVER come. I never thought I'd get here. It seemed so incredibly far away. Now, it's happened, and I can't decide whether to bounce off walls, sit and contemplate in awe, or be in shock. First, I'll write something of the day.
A peaceful day in Scarborough lab, lunch and Weiwei's talk
At lunch, I bought myself a celebratory cookie and latte from Starbucks and ate in the Salaita lab offices, because I didn't feel like eating by myself. While there, I discovered that Weiwei was giving a practice talk, so I went and listened to it. He's going to be presenting at a university for a job interview kind of thing, presenting his research, as well as giving a practice lecture on chemistry kinetics.
Yuan insisted I sit by her and Kornelia on the same sofa, so that we'd be like the three "sticky sisters," which I thought was absolutely funny, so I obliged her and did so.
Back in the Scarborough lab, babying my crystals
The ones I rotovapped - oh such fun to watch. When all the solvent was taken off, the complex solidified on the sides and was blue, because it was no longer hydrated. Then, when I turned off the vac, it rather quickly turned back PINK! That was fun to watch.
The DCM dissolved them nicely. I was surprised how well! Yesterday, Christian showed me how to do recrystallization by vapor deposition. You add the complex containing solution to a bigger jar with ether in it. Leave the top off of the smaller jar with complex and tighten the cap on the larger jar. The result is that the ether saturates the air in the larger jar and eventually condenses into the smaller jar, filling it slowly. Since the complex isn't soluble in ether, it'll slowly start to crystallize out.
I set mine up between three vials and they are all happily sitting in their ether bath to recrystallize over the weekend. I felt very happy about this and satisfied. It felt like a perfect place to leave my experiments in the Scarborough lab.
Marika didn't come in today, but that's ok. She's been trying to organize. I had hoped to setup something with her, but recrystallization was probably the best thing I could have done anyway. Otherwise, I would have just bit off more than I could chew and not been able to leave at a satisfying end.
And ... virology ...
Amazing joy ... impossible to describe ... and I haven't even started really enjoying it yet
It's too bad that on Monday I have to TA from 2:30 - 5:30 p.m. But, that's fun in its own way and I don't have to do it from 6 - 9 p.m., so I really have no complaints there. I may miss the seminar, but leaving on time is worth it, I decided.
I can't believe I no longer have to feel like an outsider looking in. I'm a real member! I've never been a real member of any lab I've ever worked in before. I've always just been passing through. It's an amazing feeling. To me, I've joined a family of awesome people. I'm stuffed full of joy and excitement all at once.
I ... wish I could describe it. The nearest I can come at present is to say it reminds me of a little piece of the joy of the Lord, the real kind. It's a kind of joy that fills me without me losing my mind - losing my mind - in the sense of - unable to think - not, as in what happened to me at the hospital. (Just to be clear there.) It's certainly not as intense as the one time I was knockdown down with the joy of the Lord as if from a fire hose like last summer. Thank goodness. That would have been too much for me to bear, I think. This is a more manageable piece of joy that I can actually appreciate, but I feel is likely just a bite of a much larger whole I haven't seen the end of yet.
On the way home, I was praising the Lord uncontrollably and remained completely unperturbed by horrendous traffic. Took me about an hour and a half to get home, but that includes buying John cheesy bread from Little Caesar's. The line for pizza was out the door! But even so, it didn't take longer than the usual 9 minutes for the order.
More thoughts: the pinnacle of everything I ever asked for
I finally have a real lab family that I'm actually a part of! I can eventually become a contributing member to real research! And it's so much more of an amazing lab home/place than I ever dreamt of. I didn't think up any kind of perfect environment beforehand. I didn't know what I'd like, but the Lord knew. This place is better than I could have thought up. I did think up my ideal PI and prayed for that, because I was so scared of getting a mean one, and He answered that as well with Khalid, who fits everything I asked.
Why I'm so excited and happy: what this means to me
In many ways, this is the pinnacle of everything I ever have wanted my entire life - almost. The only thing I've ever wanted more is to know the Lord, and He's helping me with that too.
I've just wanted to be a real member of a lab doing real research. A contributing member of the scientific community. To me, research, being at the pinnacle of knowledge, creating and seeking out things that have never been understood or known before ... to me, that's far more intoxicating than any kind of good thing man could make. I LOVE it - to death - really - there's no greater joy to me.
I hoped, and feared, and worked so hard in high school and as an undergrad, hoping the day would come when I really would be in research, in science, and not really believing it possible. I wanted it so badly. I suffered all kinds of stress. But let me tell you - everything I ever did was worth it - I enjoyed the process too - but this moment is incredible.
Now, I've stepped from having my foot in the door to really opening that door and walking in. I don't know anything yet, but I've arrived here on this new horizon that I've dreamed of for years, and years, and years, and worked so hard to attain. I would cry if I could. The Lord gave me my dream - research - with the perfect environment for me and my favorite PI imaginable - a veritable forest of lovely trees and endless verdant pasture land - just turned me loose - and said basically, in a coaxing kind of way: Here you go. Grow. Enjoy.
Everything I ever wanted.
A blank check.
Everything.
I can't fathom this.
The Lord is too good to me. He's amazing. This is amazing. And I've not even fully realized it all yet. I can only hold onto a small piece of this amazing right now. It's the beginning of everything. And it's only getting better and better from here.
Glowing with joy
I think ... for now ... that's all I've got. Here's some of my favorite praise songs to the Lord that do a great job of describing this situation and my happiness.
FIN
Appendix: Praise songs
*Of course, my theme song for the year and favorite song ever, pretty much
This is the start of something amazing
A moment when heaven touches earth
Here in our hearts Lord we are waiting
For something that's far beyond what we have seen or heard
Let us start the ascension
Let's begin the climb
Up this holy mountain
Where Your glory shines
Further up, further in
Just to be with You again
Let us start the ascension
We're fixing our eyes on glory and fire
Your name is branded on our hearts
You are the source of all we desire
Nothing can hold us back, we're running to where You are
Let us start the ascension
Let's begin the climb
Up this holy mountain
Where Your glory shines
Further up, further in
Just to be with You again
Let us start the ascension
We run to Your light
Let us start the ascension
Let's begin the climb
Up this holy mountain
Where Your glory shines
Further up, further in
Just to be with You again
Let us start the ascension [x2]
*This song is also completely amazing
We have come
And now we will wait
For Your love to move
For Your light to break
Start a movement here
As we call Your Name
Let Your glory fall
Like a holy rain
Dead arise
Hearts be awakened
In this life
Earth will be shaken
Oh, Oh, yeah!
God who reigns over earth and sky
Flood this world with Your holy light
Start a fire that will never die
Flood this world with Your holy light
Every knee will bow
Every eye will see
Everyone will shout
Jesus Christ is King
Slave run free
Chains be broken
Darkness flee
Eyes be open
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
God who reigns over earth and sky
Flood this world with Your holy light
Start a fire that will never die
Flood this world with Your holy light
Holy light - shine Your light
There's fire in our eye
It's burning bright for You
Bring these dead bones back to life
Flood this world with light
God who reigns over earth and sky
Flood this world with Your holy light
Start a fire that will never die
Flood this world with Your holy light
Flood this world with Your holy light
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' ll your promises wont let go of me
I surrendered my life to your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus my heart has been changed by you
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth every day
Jesus my heart has been changed by you
I couldnt walk away if I tried
'Cause your love is better than life
Now the suns shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't Forget about it
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
I can't forget about it
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
I can't forget about it
I surrenderd my life to your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus my heart has been changed by you
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth every day
Jesus my heart has been changed by you
I couldnt walk away if I tried
'Cause your love is better than life
Now the suns shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't Forget about it
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
I can't forget about it
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
I can't forget about it
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Now the suns shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't Forget about it
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
I can't forget about it
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh
I can't forget about it
All your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
*I think of this song when I think of the Lord's love
I saw three AM come and go again
Another sleepless night, thanks to living my own way
All my great ideas, I've regretted most of them
But that was back long before the day
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heartbeat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I've never felt so free
Also know as the day that you found me
My whole life has changed ever since the day You came
The way I see, the things I want, it's everything
Some may call it strange, I don't care what people say
I knew You were the only way
I've never known a love like this
You've captured my heart and You brought the sweetest
Peace to my life, brought me into the light
Now I'm all Yours, Jesus, draw me into You
I don't think that I could ever be the same
Who would want to be anyway
*This song was, incidentally, the first song John played for me when we were dating.
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way
I once was fatherless
A stranger with no hope
Your kindness wakened me
Awakened me, from my sleep
Your love it beckons deeply
A call to come and die
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take Your life
Sin has lost it's power
Death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way
My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, now I'm free
Sin has lost it's power
Death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way
Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that I have found
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light
Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that I have found
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light
Sin has lost it's power
And death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way
Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that I have found
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light, marvelous light
*The Lord's goodness to me makes no sense.
You're not just Sunday's thing to do
Not just a feeling, so much more to You
It's not just joy, it's not just peace
You're so much more than everything
Chorus
I can't find the reason
Why you take the time to hear me
And to fill my life with so much joy
So let this be the reason
As we take the time and lift up Your holy name
It's so much more than just giving to me
It's more than You just meeting my needs
It's not just diamonds, not just pearls
More precious than anything in the world
I can't find the reason
Why you take the time to hear me
And to fill my life with so much joy
So let this be the reason
As we take the time and lift up Your holy name
So let my words be about You
Let me reflect Your goodness and truth
Lord let my days bring honor and praise
As we lift our voice and sing
As we sing
I can't find the reason
Why you take the time to hear me
And to fill my life with so much joy
So let this be the reason
As we take the time and lift up Your holy name
*I played this song unendingly when first coming to Emory, so it was fitting today to listen to it again. Looking at these lyrics, I didn't realize some of them were in there. I'm not sure that my version has paragraphs 7-8 (discounting the O's).
Ooo ooo ooo
Ooo ooo ooo
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dream of
Once in a lullaby
Oh somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dream of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Oh somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dare to
Oh why, oh why can't I?
Well, I see
Trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
Well I see,
Skies of blues and, clouds of white,
And the brightness of day, I like the dark
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I... I love you.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than we know
And i think to myself
What a wonderful world.
Oh someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Oh somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dare to
Why, oh why can't I, I?
Ooo ooo ooo
Ooo ooo ooo
Ooo, ah ah
*And lastly, long live the King who gives us life and peace and hope for tomorrow ...
My heart keeps beating even though I can't control it.
My lungs keep breathing I admit I don't know how.
Bring the flood or bring the fire in this lifetime
I'm ready for the altar or the plough
There are always days when I don't feel like singing
There are always days when I don't care at all
But I know the King of All Creation reigns completely
Over every moment great and small
Long live the One who gives us
Life and peace and hope for tomorrow
You've given everything we needed
From the palm of Your hand
I'll give my everything to the One
Who pledged to cancel My sorrow
All I have is Yours (Long Live the King)
Humbly we approach Your throne of Mercy
Aware that we're unworthy of Your Grace
(But) You have offered pardon and forgiveness
Grievances are gone without a trace
You restore our lives even though we don't deserve it
And You've given us a love that's not our own
You assemble all our broken, shattered pieces:
More beautiful than I had ever known
You Shall Reign Forever and Ever
You Shall Reign, You Shall Reign
Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever and