Intro
Unexpected blessing of a friend at lunch
I saw lots of other people I knew there - Dr. Lynn, Gokul, Kevin from the Hill lab, a guy from the Conticello lab and Tod. It felt like I had friends - ha! It was so encouraging. Sarah and I got to talk about the Lord and what He's doing, while we ate, and she asked me questions about science. She might not know, but that chance meeting really encouraged me and I really needed it, at the time. That was the story I spoke of. Simple, but important to me. It made me realize, as she said herself, "you really do see and care about me, Lord."
Still struggling with doubt
Fear, fear everywhere - but it could be exciting - I just need to have a different perspective
But I can tell you - nothing quite scares me senseless more than having to buy something expensive - and then, finding out it doesn't work. Then I feel like I've wasted money and I want to panic and run and hide. It's terrifying. I'm starting to have to do new stuff, as I knew I eventually would, in my experiments - it's not even a big deal - and it still manages to scare the crap out of me.
I worry - am I cut out for grad school, if little things scare me? And that thought - EEK! There's nothing worse to me than failing Khalid and wasting his money - I'd rather die. I want desperately to be good at this stuff, but I'm so afraid of it. That's just how I feel right now. I'm developing a plan currently to help. If I practice some things more in a safe way, it could help ease the fear, I think.
I feel so far above my head, as to be sinking very helplessly. In our meeting last week, Khalid was talking to me about things to consider about in the project, developing a plan of action, and all I could think was - here I'm being entrusted with a project - and I know nearly nothing about any of it - I haven't mastered the subject area - I have almost no idea what I'm doing - and yet - I'm expected to handle it, as if I know something. I don't. Talk about choking fear. I feel so terribly unworthy to be entrusted with something so grand.
And so, the conclusion: I must face this down in the Lord
Please, pray for me, that I can look at all this like it's an adventure, instead of a huge terror. It used to be exciting to me, when it didn't seem to matter if I succeeded or not, or when I didn't have to worry about wasting money.
But now, it's like an oppressive weight on me, so that I cannot breathe. I don't want to spend my entire grad school in fear. In fact, I demand not to. I WILL conqueror this. Well, not me, but the Lord. I don't have the capacity to fight my own fears. I feel like a weak, scared raw recruit of a soldier, picking up a sword for almost the first time and pointing it at a demon who just invaded the camp, slaughtered everyone and now he's coming for him. Fear is terrifying.
But you know, somewhere deep down, I know it will get better and I won't always be afraid. I was afraid before all this happened, during the summer. And the Lord helped me. He showed me how to do things. He directed me to people I needed to talk to. He worked everything out. To use the scared soldier example, almost as if lightening erupted from the weapon and zapped the demon, scaring him off. That doesn't mean I won't have to do scary things. But, at least He is with me. Fighting tremendous doubt at the same time as this though has been a bit exhausting. I have to remember not to fight it and let the Lord do that for me.
FIN
There were some great songs that I heard today that resonated with me. I'm posting them here below.
Appendix: Songs
Only Just Begun by Aaron Keyes
To do far more abundantly
Beyond all we ask or imagine
To Him be the glory (2x)
I can't stand to stay where I am
In these shallow seas as deep calls to deep
I won't rest, there's a fire in my chest
To know You more
You've only just begun to show Your greatness and power
We've only just begun to see Your almighty hand
Is there any other one who compares to our God
No one else can do what He can
Now unto Him who is able
To do far more abundantly
Beyond all we ask or imagine
To Him be the glory
I can't stand to stay where I am
In these shallow seas as deep calls to deep
I won't rest, there's a fire in my chest
To know You more
You've only just begun to show Your greatness and power
We've only just begun to see Your almighty hand
Is there any other one who compares to our God
No one else can do what He can (2x)
There is no one like You
There is no one like You
There is no one like our God
Already Here by Kyle Sherman
Tell me that you hear me Lord
Cause sometimes it just feels like a one-way conversation
And I wonder if I'm on my own
Lord I call – Out Your name – Day after day
Lord I cry – Out for peace – In the midst of my pain
Lord I call – Out for love – and for You to be near
Lord I cry – For You – But you're already here
I don't know all the answers but you know all my questions
You know every word before I speak
Even when I'm broken and the road ahead seems hopeless
I know you will always carry me
Chorus
Here through my darkest nights, when I cannot see the light
You're already here, you're already here
When everything just falls apart, You hold the pieces in Your arms
You're already here, you're already here