This note will probably be pretty ridiculous, because I'm so tired, but ah well. I can't study any more so I'm going to write some before I go sleep, because, it's somewhat relaxing. I'm not one of those people who studies into 3 a.m. Nooooooppppeeeee.
I used to have a better studying system. I think maybe I've identified why I've failed to implement it as effectively. One can hope for as much. I'll see if I can do something better here starting tomorrow. This weekend appears to be very excessively busy to me. I'm not sure how I'll finish everything. Hmmm. I know it'll all work out in the wash though.
I had to renew my parking pass today. My prestigious faculty pass ran out last M. I could only get a faculty pass because I was starting in June over the summer instead of May, so technically I was an "employee," so they couldn't give me a student pass. It seemed silly to me. Achhhh, that sucked though ~ $500 lump sum. I hate spending money. It's actually a kind of phobia, or something, that I have. Stress builds up, until I have a break down, so I try not to think about it. Budgeting money and watching it disappear is TOTALLY SCARY! I'm going to have to face this at some point. I had a nervous breakdown about the topic of money later, when my mom was talking to me about it - I hate it when she does this. Phobia. Like I said. It waxes and wanes. I don't know why I get so worked up about it sometimes and not as much other times. I'm absolutely *terrified* of wasting money, even little money. The bad part is I'll still spend it - coffee and such things - but over time, I get to this invisible "ok I've spent enough money now limit" and I'll start to really freak out if I spend more than that ethereal number. The only things I don't regret buying are for other people. That has purpose. Anything I spend on me - especially restaurants - feels like a complete waste. One can eat so much better at home and it's so much better food too. Have you seen how much money one spends on fast food, even if it's just lunches, in a month? It's *scary.* *sigh* Anyway.
Before Dr. Conticello's class, I was asking everyone how they were. They said good, or whatever, but everyone was looking stressed - bad month for us all, I think. I asked Gokul if he was studying for Weinert's test. It went something like this:
Me: So are you studying for the test?
Gokul: Nope! Not me.
Me: ... MAN! What are you DOING man?
*much laughter by all*
Afterward, many of us stayed to chat and it was *really* funny, because there would be conversation, and then as one periodically, everyone would stop talking and just look completely dazed, deep in thought, then start talking again. It was quite hysterical.
John had a bad day at work yesterday. He's been having a lot of those - having to stay late sometimes - helping people do stuff because they don't know how to deal with weird things that happen but he does - or irritating customers come and harass him. He gets yelled at, screamed at and cussed out regularly because people are angry they have to pay $50 for an oil change or are really ticked about something about their cars none of which is ever his fault. He was looking really miserable yesterday. I hate it when he looks so miserable.
Last night, he said he had this horrible dream that he knew was a dream, but he couldn't get rid of it - he wasn't married to me, and I was about to marry some other person, who was actually evil, and he was trying to warn me about this so I wouldn't make a mistake but I wouldn't listen to him and was getting mad. He dreams these kinds of dreams a lot, it seems to me - stuff with me, we're not married and bad things are happening to me. I asked him about that and he said yes, he thinks he has this illogical fear of losing me or something bad happening to me - he knows I'd never leave him of course - even the idea is absurd - [true - I'd rather cut off my limbs with a spoon than do that] - but he just fears the completely illogical - waking up and discovering the last five years we've spent married were all a dream, actually - or me disappearing into a wormhole - or what if I somehow died.
I worry about this sometimes - but I try not to, because that's in the Lord's hands and not something I can control. If I have bad dreams, it's usually about my teeth falling out and failing tests. I have one reoccurring one where I took a class, but I forgot that I took it, and never attended it and then remembered and had to panic study for the final or I'd get a zero. Or one in which I fear that I'll forget to attend one of my classes and I can't quite remember what time it's meeting or where - it's all fuzzy in my mind - and I wander around, and am looking for it but can't find it - then figure out - to my complete and utter stupefied horror - that I did in fact miss it just like I feared. I guess those are my illogical fears. Fortunately, I haven't dreamed those in at least a month or two. My good dreams have John in them.
When John got home, I attacked him with an anaconda hug - my ritual greeting. I always give him the very hugest hug I can. We only have one desk in our room. He wanted to play some games on his laptop. Last night I moved to the downstairs desks, but today I just made a make shift desk of a suitcase and box and continued studying so we could be in the same room. It's much more comforting that way and it actually worked very niftily. I don't know what it is, but John and I both feel so much better if we're around each other, even if we're not talking or doing anything. It's very important - some kind of ethereal John/Jess link. I guess we're both clingy. It's good that way though. I've noticed as well that I don't ever get lonely in the house unless there is nobody there. As long as there is at least one person - even if they are downstairs and I have our door shut upstairs - I'm perfectly fine. But as soon as that one person leaves, I start feeling lonely, if I'm not careful. Odd, but true. I don't feel lonely in the library. I can't figure this out. Oh well. It's not important.
*pfffft* Yeah, I need to sleep. There's totally lots to do. It's depressing. But that's ok - it'll all be done and then I can do more experiments and fun stuff. I'll write *something* over the weekend at some point. I look forward to implementing a better studying system here somehow. And spending more time with the Lord. Listened to lots of great music while studying - more J.J. Heller. Sorry this is such a bogus post. It really is. But I'm in a bogus mood. You'll have to put up with me.