Spiritually, I feel very much in a fog these days, hence the lack of posts. Here's why:
My Nervous Breakdown Started a Spiral of Doubt
It relates to my delirium. For those who didn't see it, yay! I had a nervous breakdown for real and was delirious for a few days due to lack of sleep and not eating. It seems lack of sleep is the worst for me, looking back at this past week. Ninety percent of it did not go up here, for which I'm thankful. The worst of it was Friday - Monday.
Wondering What Is Real and What Isn't
However, because it happened, and I realized this kind of thing could happen to me if I'm not careful, I feel as if I can no longer trust my senses. Or, I worry about it - can I, or can I not? I know some things are real, but others are just question marks during that time, and most things I know were not. If I can interpret so wrongly my surroundings and/or hallucinate things, I find myself wondering if anything I've felt about the Lord is real, or if it is, how can I tell? I don't trust feelings - only cold, hard facts. I've always been that way. I've felt a lot of things that were bizarre. I've heard the Lord speak to me more clearly and in some unusual ways, when I wasn't delirious. But now, I question all of it, because I don't understand what happened to me during that week of confusion, and I feel like I don't know where I am any more with the Lord. I've come to a halt.
Finding Myself Broken
This event has broken me, in many ways. I cannot connect with the Lord like I used to. I'm afraid to try. I'm afraid of deluding myself again. I've prayed about it and asked for Him to help me, but He doesn't answer any of my questions and my fears tell me, He never will. But, I don't know that. I can't know what He will or will not do. I don't know why this happened. I don't understand anything. I've just been feeling very broken, confused and out of sorts, spiritually.
For a while, I held out hope that He would show me what went wrong, help me and answer some of the things I've asked. But He has not so far. And I cannot now go on believing He will. For now, I'm at a point of complete brokenness. I don't have strength to believe. I prayed He'd help me with that today.
But I Know He IS and He Is Good
One thing I do trust is His character. I know, from all the facts I've studied, that He is real and He is good. He does speak, even if I don't understand how. He knows me and knows my situation. I don't know why things happened or where it will lead, but He knows. And even in this darkness of doubt, fears and confusion, I've still felt Him with me. He speaks to me in ways I can receive right now - through His Word, through devotionals, through John, through people at Grace. I know He's not given up on me. I'm just very fogged and broken at the moment.
At Peace with Being Broken
Finally today, I had peace about that. I've stopped struggling and accepted my brokenness. It's ok that I'm broken. I just have to accept that I don't understand for now. The Lord is still with me. And when He wants to, He'll reveal Himself in ways I can see. I felt very comforted this morning, reading that devotional. It spoke directly to my soul. Scripture also is still so much more living to me than it used to be. And He knows me. He knows how I think. He teaches me slowly. I don't know why I'm in the place I am, but I'm trusting Him to bring me out of it when He wants to. And I don't think He wants me to try to believe anything, have faith I don't have, or work up a trust that isn't there. I'm just empty. And it's ok.
Current Status: Waiting and Looking
So, this is why I haven't posted here in some time. I'm waiting on Him, listening for Him in little ways, trying to soak Him in through the Word, praying about things I like to pray about. Yuan prayed with me today. I always love to hear her pray. So simple and wonderful, she prays. She says doesn't pray well, but I disagree. I think her prayers are beautiful.
I'm also listening to some neat audio clips from a class at Grace New Hope taught by Pastor Buddy's wife Jody. She teaches how to hear God's voice in "listening prayer." It's basically the exact same thing that I have slowly come to accept and learn how to do, but don't always do it so well. Grace believes the Lord speaks, too. I find that amazing. So few churches I've ever been in have believed that. Most said that God didn't speak. If you want to listen to them, they are six 2 hour chunks of audio class by Jody, as she goes through Scripture talking about how to hear the Lord's voice and how others have heard it in Scripture. Here's the link.