The Lord took care of me today. I’m so very grateful. I couldn’t do much of anything else really except cast myself on His mercy.
1. Bioorganic was spontaneously canceled at the last minute.
Poor Dr. Weinert. I think she is doing better than she was last week. If I caught what she had then I suppose this cold will last at least a week. How unfortunate. I was unhappy to hear she had lost her voice, but ever so grateful not to have class – I don’t think I could have absorbed any of it. I immediately felt encouraged, because I recognized that the Lord was going to take care of me today.
2. I was able to edit the NSF documents. Khalid and Yue sent me comments last night.
I think mostly the essays were ok. I gave it my best shot and I fixed a few things.
3. I got the NSF document submitted *just* before the seminar. And Stephenie encouraged me A LOT.
I went down to Stephenie in the office, among the magical office people. I had asked her on Friday if I could come panic in her office and have her watch me submit stuff and she said SURE! She’s my wonderful angel helper person.
She read my essays for grammar and said she liked them and she’d fund me. :) She read the research proposal part and I laughed hysterically about how she said there were almost no English words in there. It’s true. It was pretty dense. Stephenie makes REALLY funny faces. You should watch her. Her expressions are perfect when she’s acting out stuff. :D
It took a long time to verify everything, because the networks were weird, naturally. And the NSF website was having hiccups too. I expected this. So Stephenie and I talked randomly about things while I was fighting with pages to load and I forget how we got on the subject, but I mentioned that, I hoped I could stay at Emory a long time and what I wanted to do – be Khalid’s Anil, but it was probably a very impossible job to get. Stephenie is one of those people I can actually talk to.
She practically squealed with delight, tilted her head pondering it and said that, no, she actually thought it might be likely, if I proved myself to be a capable person. […] I was not expecting her to say that. I was like, “No! … REALLY??” *painfully hopeful, adoring face* She said, oh yes!
She said Khalid already thought that having a research scientist was a good idea and some other random reasons why she thought it wasn’t so impossible as I thought. I was somewhat stunned and filled with minor euphoria after that. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t hear the Lord wrong, and/or maybe He really will make a way for that to work out, and maybe He isn’t kidding after all!
I can’t tell you how much I want that impossible job. Every time I think about it – usually when I’m walking around the building, praying about things – it fills me with an overwhelming ache and not a little sadness at the unlikeliness of it happening. But Stephenie gave me so much hope. I felt lighter the more she talked. I’ve never been so hopeful before. I couldn’t believe it. I still refuse to believe it entirely, just in case. Either way, it’s a nice thought – something concrete I can hold onto.
And I told Stephenie the highlights of the Lord bringing me here – just the key points – she knows the Lord – and that I thought the Lord was doing cool things (because He is) and that she should watch with me and see what He does! Because it’ll be great! He’s taking over the building! And she laughed hysterically at this and we had a great time talking about Him and how good He was.
I felt a lot better after that, needless to say. I didn’t even mind so much that I felt like poop, because inside I was glowing.
I don’t know what the Lord is doing currently exactly. I feel as if He’s told me that for now, it’s hidden from me, while He prepares things, but it won’t always be that way. I feel like I see shadows and hints of what He’s up to all the time and it’s absolutely frustrating at times not to know all of it. But it’s ok. He’ll point out to me what I need to see and when. I think He’s also teaching me to be more sensitive to Him, so that I can see it.
Maniacal Plans for Future Fun and Profit
I absolutely will do everything I can think of to make keeping me around a good idea and / or prove I’m a capable person. I enjoy being helpful anyway. As Melissa Patterson always said, “Make yourself indispensable. Always do all the jobs no one else wants to do.” It’s fantastic advice – something my parents also always say – and I shall delight in finding ways to do so, completely for fun. No one expects it of me. So there’s nothing to lose, everything to gain, and it becomes like fun sport, rather than work.
First plan, once I join the lab – finish the oligo library. And, as long as no one has any objections, I intend to become inventory manager.
I so LOVE organizing things. Having everything all together in one big list fills me with such intense, almost palpable SATISFACTION. It’s part of my OCD, I think. I was showing John Quartzy back in June and was squealing with delight saying, LOOK John! IT’S SO ORDERLY!!
And he was like: *eyebrow* *chuckle* And said he knew very few people who *enjoyed* inventorying things. I thought about that and it’s probably true. But I think that in this case, I’d relish it. It’s hard to explain. It just is. So. Intensely. Satisfying.
I shall greatly enjoy looking for anything else to improve, efficiencies to add or problems to destroy. I shall attempt to demolish problems before they appear. What they are, I know not. But I shall recognize them when I see them (I hope), assessing threat, and whether or not I can do anything. Something like…
*mouse me, scanning, scanning*
*detects threat* … [!] … *mouse me transforms into green HULK OF DOOM ME* *RAWR!* DESTROY ANNOY!! (the battle cry my brother and I used as kids when fighting the last boss in an old Atari Nintendo space ship game) NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM NOM NOM *consumes threat**spits out its bones* *shrinks back to meek mouse shape*
Other person: oh! I see a problem!
Me: Where? *looks about innocently* I don’t see anything.
Other person: Oh. It’s gone now. Weird. It was just here.
Me: Weird. >.> <.<
*other persons go about their business*
Me: *scanning, scanning*
Yesssss yYYYYEESSSSSSS *strokes non-existent beard and cackles maniacally* This is my plan. So far. I don’t know how it’ll play out. I guess, I’ll just have to wait and see.
4. Mr. McCormick got Tom to take over my lab.
Praise the Lord. Tom is very capable. I know my students will be in good hands. Mr. McCormick said Tom had in fact just done this lab recently, so it would work out really well.
I’m glad I asked Mr. McCormick if he could find a sub. I submitted my NSF application at 4:01 p.m. and went to the seminar. However, by then, I felt like I was burning up with fever again. By the time I got home, I was feeling so bad, I decided, I’d not even come to Emory tomorrow, tell Dr. Conticello I wasn’t coming to class and go to the doctor instead – I don't want to go to the doctor – but John and mom want me to – so I guess I will. I’m hoping I can sleep tonight.
However, despite that, and how crappy I feel, I’m not really that upset, like I was on Sunday. The Lord showed me today that He’s taking care of me. If I fail things, I fail them – so be it. I don’t have any energy to be upset at this point. But I don’t think the Lord will let me fall into a hole and bury me. I think He’ll give me strength I need for stuff and somehow, though I might not do as well as I want, I’ll give it my best shot and He’ll take care of the rest.
I’m so grateful for the Lord. He gives me so much peace.
I think that’s all for tonight.