Intro: I know nothing except God is good
The Lord reforged my heart and healed me
Psalm 131
My heart is not proud, Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
2 But I have calmed and quietened myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
3 Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and for evermore.
Always broken, failing in my own efforts to know Him
Giving up. In that time, I gave up all hope that I would ever know God or learn to hear His voice. I could literally do nothing about it, and I resigned myself to a life alone, living in His silence, trying to pray always anyway, even if I felt as if God knew me, but I would never know Him - not like I'd hoped for, anyway.
But hoping against hope. Any yet, in the midst of that desert, I had peace. I came to peace about it, deciding not to try to figure it out and let Him show me in His time, even if that time never came. And I hoped in the Lord. I told the Lord that all my hopes of ever knowing or hearing Him now rested in Him - would He please do something? - because I had spent myself and had nothing left, knowing I could do nothing. I prayed this many days and about other normal things, and tried to spend the year meditating on Him and His character, learning to fall in love with who He is. That's what the Lord wanted for me this year. And He helped me in this.
When things began to change, the Lord touched me
Isaiah 35:1-4
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendour of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the Lord,
the splendour of our God.
3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
‘Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.’
And there was a shift. The background noise got quiet - like a sound dampener was around me - all I heard was her voice and saw her face - and my whole body glowed with an electric kind of feeling. I knew it was the Lord. It felt as if He was speaking to me straight through her.
Therefore, I decided to say yes to His words in this and accept it. That is not who I was. Ok. I praised Him greatly, because I never expected to feel Him again, and had such peace.
The Lord showed me that I am loved
Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
‘Where is your God?’
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.
6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon – from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me –
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
‘Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?’
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
‘Where is your God?’
11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.
Sadly, in my weakness I lapsed into some sickness after the weekend, as I wondered if things I'd imagined in my prior delirium were true, but He showed me that they were not, that He is doing something new.
Isaiah 43:18-19
18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 55:8-9
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
The Lord is still with me, even now, indefatigable
So now I can say for sure to you all, that hoping in the Lord is totally worth it. It turns out, He won't leave you hanging after all. This happened to me - I am not worthy of it - I don't know why some people suffer and others do not - I know nothing, so I cannot help you. But the Lord can. And it's a great comfort to me that while I know nothing, He does know everything. Don't give up hope. He is with you, whether you know it or not, whether you feel it or not, He has not forgotten anyone.
Appendix: The Holy Spirit and Songs
Romans 5:5, "And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (NIV)
Romans 5:1-5 (KJV)
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
As Sure as the Sun by Ellie Holcomb
There is good news,
There is good truth,
That you could never change,
No matter what you do.
You are loved,
More than you know,
More than you could hope for,
After everything you've done.
As sure as the sun will rise,
And chase away the night,
His mercy will not end. His mercy will not end.
There is good news,
There's a promise,
That no matter where you go,
You will never be alone.
In the dark,
In the doubting,
When you can't feel anything,
O His love remains the same.
As sure as the sun will rise,
And chase away the night,
His mercy will not end.
Even through the night,
Ohh...
Silver stars will shine,
Hope of glory's light,
That will wake us once again.
As sure as the sun will rise,
And chace away the night,
As sure as the sun will rise,
His mercy will not end. His mercy will not end.
You Found Me by Big Daddy Weave
*A great description, in my mind, to my experience of His love
I saw three am come and go again
Another sleepless night, thanks to living my own way
All my great ideas, I've regretted most of them
But that was back long before the day
When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember ever feeling my heart beat
And the arms that gripped me felt like grace
And I realized in their embrace
To be held so tight
I've never felt so free
Also know as the day that you found me
My whole life has changed ever since the day You came
The way I see, the things I want, it's everything
Some may call it strange, I don't care what people say
I knew You were the only way
I've never known a love like this
You've captured my heart and You brought the sweetest
Peace to my life, brought me into the light
Now I'm all Yours, Jesus, draw me into You
I don't think that I could ever be the same
Who would want to be anyway
My Portion and my Strength by Ellie Holcomb
Your voice calmed the wind and the sea
Can you calm these storms inside of me?
Help me to stand
on the promise that You are holding my right hand
Help me to know
that even when I lose my grip You won't let go
Help me believe
that You will be my portion and my strength
Your voice gave the blind the gift of sight
Can you take my darkness and turn it into light?
Help me to stand
on the promise that You are holding my right hand
Help me to know
that even when I lose my grip You won't let go
Help me believe
that You will be my portion and my strength
Oooh (x6)
You'll be my portion and my strength
Oooh (x6)
Your voice called the man out of the grave
Can You breathe new life into this mess I've made?
Help me believe
that You will be my portion and my strength
Help me believe
that You will be my portion and my strength
You'll be my portion and my strength