Suddenly, around 11:30 pm I became really peaceful. It was ... strange! I felt as if this chain of fear had been breaking, was hanging by a thread and finally snapped around then, leaving me suddenly feeling peaceful and richly content, as if everything was going to be ok. That is really weird for me. I can't remember experiencing this flavor of peace before, though I tried to think long and hard about it. I'm just not sure.
Why is this odd? I wasn't afraid of failing anyone - not Khalid, not even the Lord, not John or my parents, not anyone! I'm always afraid of failing people - the more I value them, the worse it is. My greatest fear used to be fearing that I'd waste my life, which is essentially fear of failing the Lord. I still can't believe that suddenly, I couldn't find any of those fears. I looked.
Surely, I've been peaceful before, so I'm not sure why this was so odd to me. I couldn't decide. Maybe I have been peaceful before, but not of this variety. It was the most complete peace I can remember feeling. I suppose, my natural state is to worry without realizing it, and the absence was striking. I claimed the strange peace from the Lord, disbelievingly, and hoping it would stay.
Here's the best description of the contentment I felt:
Lord, my heart is not haughty,
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me.
2 Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
3 O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.