Intro: at wits end and troubled but the Lord's still in things
Yesterday evening I finally snapped at Jesse in anger at one point - I was frustrated and angry for a lot of reasons. Some of the things he says are vile beyond reckoning - I just couldn't take it any more - but I saw that I hurt him and realized I did wrong, so I asked the Lord for a chance to apologize and He gave it to me. I thanked him for driving and apologized for snapping at him, and he said, yes, I was such a mean person and gave me a hug. I felt a lot better. We've made peace. Somewhat surprisingly - to myself anyway - I no longer feel any animosity toward him. He didn't know he was hurting me. He said the things he said weren't supposed to mean anything and the guys knew that, but, maybe I didn't. On the last part of the trip home, the Lord gave me lots of wonderful songs which I've put at the end of this post that really helped restore me.
Last night, John and I got to home and discovered mom and dad had beautifully cleaned our room, vacuumed the carpets and it looked like a palace or something. We collapsed into bed. I woke up feeling drained and tired, as did John, but had a nice breakfast and time with mom. I spent time with the Lord this morning - most wonderful thing of wonderful things - He spent a lot of time comforting me. I have been feeling so tired lately, and just WISHING everything would be over and I could go back to the Salaita lab and be happy. It seems to be taking forever. And it's so tiring. Here's some of the things I read and that He said this morning to me. I'm feeling so much better. He recharged and strengthened me a lot.
Scriptures the Lord gave me and commentary
2 Kings 6:8-22
8 Now the king of Syria was making war against Israel; and he consulted with his servants, saying, “My camp will be in such and such a place.” 9 And the man of God sent to the king of Israel, saying, “Beware that you do not pass this place, for the Syrians are coming down there.” 10 Then the king of Israel sent someone to the place of which the man of God had told him. Thus he warned him, and he was watchful there, not just once or twice.
11 Therefore the heart of the king of Syria was greatly troubled by this thing; and he called his servants and said to them, “Will you not show me which of us is for the king of Israel?”
12 And one of his servants said, “None, my lord, O king; but Elisha, the prophet who is in Israel, tells the king of Israel the words that you speak in your bedroom.”
13 So he said, “Go and see where he is, that I may send and get him.”
And it was told him, saying, “Surely he is in Dothan.”
14 Therefore he sent horses and chariots and a great army there, and they came by night and surrounded the city. 15 And when the servant of the man of God arose early and went out, there was an army, surrounding the city with horses and chariots. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?”
16 So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”17 And Elisha prayed, and said, “Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw. And behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. 18 So when the Syrians came down to him, Elisha prayed to the Lord, and said, “Strike this people, I pray, with blindness.” And He struck them with blindness according to the word of Elisha.
19 Now Elisha said to them, “This is not the way, nor is this the city. Follow me, and I will bring you to the man whom you seek.” But he led them to Samaria.
20 So it was, when they had come to Samaria, that Elisha said, “Lord, open the eyes of these men,that they may see.” And the Lord opened their eyes, and they saw; and there they were, inside Samaria!
21 Now when the king of Israel saw them, he said to Elisha, “My father, shall I kill them? Shall I killthem?”
22 But he answered, “You shall not kill them. Would you kill those whom you have taken captive with your sword and your bow? Set food and water before them, that they may eat and drink and go to their master.” 23 Then he prepared a great feast for them; and after they ate and drank, he sent them away and they went to their master. So the bands of Syrian raiders came no more into the land of Israel.
Commentary
I felt like the Lord was saying to me through this passage that He's surrounding me with heavenly warriors to fight for me and He's in charge. He's been telling me that a whole lot lately. He also said that He's making Khalid like Elisha in this chapter and that he'll be one to marshal the Lord's forces everywhere. That was exciting to me. I hope He does this. If He said so then He will.
The Lord next gave me Psalm 71 to read. I've highlighted the verses that were particularly important to me.
Psalm 71
In You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be put to shame.
2 Deliver me in Your righteousness, and cause me to escape;
Incline Your ear to me, and save me.
3 Be my strong refuge,
To which I may resort continually;
You have given the commandment to save me,
For You are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked,
Out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.
5 For You are my hope, O Lord GOD;
You are my trust from my youth.
6 By You I have been upheld from birth;
You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb.
My praise shall be continually of You.
7 I have become as a wonder to many,
But You are my strong refuge.
8 Let my mouth be filled with Your praise
And with Your glory all the day.
9 Do not cast me off in the time of old age;
Do not forsake me when my strength fails.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
And those who lie in wait for my life take counsel together,
11 Saying, “God has forsaken him;
Pursue and take him, for there is none to deliver him.”
12 O God, do not be far from me;
O my God, make haste to help me!
13 Let them be confounded and consumed
Who are adversaries of my life;
Let them be covered with reproach and dishonor
Who seek my hurt.
14 But I will hope continually,
And will praise You yet more and more.
15 My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness
And Your salvation all the day,
For I do not know their limits.
16 I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD;
I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only.
17 O God, You have taught me from my youth;
And to this day I declare Your wondrous works.
18 Now also when I am old and grayheaded,
O God, do not forsake me,
Until I declare Your strength to this generation,
Your power to everyone who is to come.
19 Also Your righteousness, O God, is very high,
You who have done great things;
O God, who is like You?
20 You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
21 You shall increase my greatness,
And comfort me on every side.
22 Also with the lute I will praise You--
And Your faithfulness, O my God!
To You I will sing with the harp,
O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing to You,
And my soul, which You have redeemed.
24 My tongue also shall talk of Your righteousness all the day long;
For they are confounded,
For they are brought to shame
Who seek my hurt.
Comments: I felt like this was a perfect prayer to the Lord to express what I felt that I couldn't express to Him myself. I also read Mark 1. I've been trying to read through the NT, but it's been going a lot more slowly than I'd like. Here's Mark 1 below. Mark is a book of action - shortest of the gospels - and reads quickly, painting Jesus' life in broad strokes, focusing on what He did.
Mark 1
1 The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. 2 As it is written in the Prophets:[a]
“Behold, I send My messenger before Your face,
Who will prepare Your way before You.”[b]
3 “The voice of one crying in the wilderness:
‘Prepare the way of the Lord;
Make His paths straight.’”[c]
4 John came baptizing in the wilderness and preaching a baptism of repentance for the remission of sins. 5 Then all the land of Judea, and those from Jerusalem, went out to him and were all baptized by him in the Jordan River, confessing their sins.
6 Now John was clothed with camel’s hair and with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey. 7 And he preached, saying, “There comes One after me who is mightier than I, whose sandal strap I am not worthy to stoop down and loose. 8 I indeed baptized you with water, but He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”
John Baptizes Jesus9 It came to pass in those days that Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee, and was baptized by John in the Jordan. 10 And immediately, coming up from[d] the water, He saw the heavens parting and the Spirit descending upon Him like a dove. 11 Then a voice came from heaven, “You are My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”
Satan Tempts Jesus12 Immediately the Spirit drove Him into the wilderness. 13 And He was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan, and was with the wild beasts; and the angels ministered to Him.
Jesus Begins His Galilean Ministry14 Now after John was put in prison, Jesus came to Galilee, preaching the gospel of the kingdom[e] of God, 15 and saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel.”
Four Fishermen Called as Disciples16 And as He walked by the Sea of Galilee, He saw Simon and Andrew his brother casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. 17 Then Jesus said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you become fishers of men.” 18 They immediately left their nets and followed Him.
19 When He had gone a little farther from there, He saw James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, who also were in the boat mending their nets. 20 And immediately He called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired servants, and went after Him.
Jesus Casts Out an Unclean Spirit21 Then they went into Capernaum, and immediately on the Sabbath He entered the synagogue and taught. 22 And they were astonished at His teaching, for He taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.
23 Now there was a man in their synagogue with an unclean spirit. And he cried out, 24 saying, “Let usalone! What have we to do with You, Jesus of Nazareth? Did You come to destroy us? I know who You are—the Holy One of God!”
25 But Jesus rebuked him, saying, “Be quiet, and come out of him!” 26 And when the unclean spirit had convulsed him and cried out with a loud voice, he came out of him. 27 Then they were all amazed, so that they questioned among themselves, saying, “What is this? What new doctrine is this? For with authority[f] He commands even the unclean spirits, and they obey Him.” 28 And immediately His fame spread throughout all the region around Galilee.
Peter’s Mother-in-Law Healed29 Now as soon as they had come out of the synagogue, they entered the house of Simon and Andrew, with James and John. 30 But Simon’s wife’s mother lay sick with a fever, and they told Him about her at once. 31 So He came and took her by the hand and lifted her up, and immediately the fever left her. And she served them.
Many Healed After Sabbath Sunset32 At evening, when the sun had set, they brought to Him all who were sick and those who were demon-possessed. 33 And the whole city was gathered together at the door. 34 Then He healed many who were sick with various diseases, and cast out many demons; and He did not allow the demons to speak, because they knew Him.
Preaching in Galilee35 Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed. 36 And Simon and those who were with Him searched for Him.37 When they found Him, they said to Him, “Everyone is looking for You.”
38 But He said to them, “Let us go into the next towns, that I may preach there also, because for this purpose I have come forth.”
39 And He was preaching in their synagogues throughout all Galilee, and casting out demons.
Jesus Cleanses a Leper40 Now a leper came to Him, imploring Him, kneeling down to Him and saying to Him, “If You are willing, You can make me clean.”
41 Then Jesus, moved with compassion, stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.” 42 As soon as He had spoken, immediately the leprosy left him, and he was cleansed. 43 And He strictly warned him and sent him away at once, 44 and said to him, “See that you say nothing to anyone; but go your way, show yourself to the priest, and offer for your cleansing those things which Moses commanded, as a testimony to them.”
45 However, he went out and began to proclaim it freely, and to spread the matter, so that Jesus could no longer openly enter the city, but was outside in deserted places; and they came to Him from every direction.
Comments: Reading this chapter, it struck me as interesting suddenly that when Jesus was called into His ministry, the Spirit drove him into the desert to be tempted - I read that of course 1000 times, but I always considered it to be some kind of test for Him. Maybe it also was meant not as a test, but to strengthen him for harder tests to come. Luke 4 has a longer description of Jesus' temptation. He always refuses the enemy with Scripture. Also, the enemy always tempts him with fulfilling a natural and good desire his way rather than waiting on God. This is always the way the enemy works. He offers short cuts that lead to only pain. Finally, in Mark 1, another thing I always noticed is that Jesus went off to a solitary place to pray. I suspected this is how He started every day. Prayer is critical to arm oneself for a day. In fact, it's everything. It's our connection to the Father.
Then, I felt as if the Lord wanted me to read the Streams devotional for today. Reading it, I realized the verse was from Ps. 71, which He told me to read earlier. Ps. 71:20 is my verse for today.
Streams in the Desert, Nov. 19th
Quicken Us
You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, Shall revive me again, And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.—Ps 71:20 NKJV
God shows us the troubles. Sometimes, as this part of our education is being carried forward, we have to descend into “the lower parts of the earth,” pass through subterranean passages, lie buried amongst the dead, but never for a moment is the cord of fellowship and union between God and us strained to breaking; and from the depths God will bring us again.
Never doubt God! Never say that He has forsaken or forgotten. Never think that He is unsympathetic. He will quicken again. There is always a smooth piece in every skein, however tangled. The longest day at last rings out the evensong. The winter snow lies long, but it goes at last.
Be steadfast; your labor is not in vain. God turns again, and comforts. And when He does, the heart which had forgotten its Psalmody breaks out in jubilant song, as does the Psalmist: “I will thank thee, I will harp unto thee, my lips shall sing aloud.” —Selected
“Though the rain may fall and the wind be blowing,
And old and chill is the wintry blast;
Though the cloudy sky is still cloudier growing,
And the dead leaves tell that the summer has passed;
My face I hold to the stormy heaven,
My heart is as calm as the summer sea,
Glad to receive what my God has given,
Whate’er it be.
When I feel the cold, I can say, ’He sends it,’
And His winds blow blessing, I surely know;
For I’ve never a want but that He attends it;
And my heart beats warm, though the winds may blow.”
Comments: The Lord used this devotional to speak lots of love and encouragement over me, that He saw how tired I was, and that I didn't think any of this would ever end, but it would - and it would be awesome! And He hadn't forgotten me or any single prayer I prayed. The Lord is so comforting to me. He knows exactly what I need from Him always. I think the Lord is strengthening me so He can use me for larger things later. I'm seeing pieces of it and it's so exciting. But I have to go now.
You know what I'd really love you praying people to pray? Please pray that I learn to hear the Lord at 100% and can talk to Him continually and that I know what His loves feels like can feel it around me all the time. I just want to know Him. That's all I really want and I want it to much it hurts. Please help me pray this into being. It's happening slowly all the time. It's getting a lot better than it was. But I'd be thrilled if more people would fight for me in this - this that I want most above all above all else. Thank you. If I could, I give you all a HUGE hug. Your prayers mean the world to me.
Love, Jess
Songs
I was lost and I was blind
I was begging for a sign
that someone
Somewhere heard me
As You whispered in the wind
And You shouted in the waves
That You heard me
That You loved me
And I could finally
Stop resisting
You're Everything I ever wanted
And never knew I needed
You're Everywhere I ever go
I can't hide from Your Love anymore
I begin to drop my guard
Faithful as the Morning Star
You show me tender mercy
I'm surrounded by Your beauty
I get lost in Heaven's
Symphony
It never changes
Never ending
Unrelenting
Why would I want to?
I don't want to
Deliver me
As I call upon Your name
Be the God who breaks my chains
All the shackles of my shame
Deliver me
From the lies that wreck my heart
Come and lead me from the dark
Father show how strong You are
Deliver me
Oh Lord deliver me
Oh and I will trust in only You
For You will bring the victory
You will bring the victory
All your promises are true
It doesn't matter what I see
It doesn't matter what I see
Deliver me
Even when I am afraid
When the world around me shakes
I know You will never change
Deliver me
Oh Lord deliver me
Oh and I will trust in only You
For You will bring the victory
You will bring the victory
All your promises are true
It doesn't matter what I see
It doesn't matter what I see
Deliver me
Into Your hands I will surrender all
Take it all
Oh let my life bring You praise
With all I am I worship all You are
For Your are
My only refuge and strength
Oh Deliver me
Deliver me
Into Your hands I will surrender all
Take it all
Oh let my life bring You praise
With all I am I worship all You are
For Your are
My only refuge and strength
Oh Deliver me
Deliver me
He won't abandon, He won't deceive
He won't desert us, He won't ever leave
He'll never forsake us, He will never run
He'll never reject us, The faithful one
Your love will remain, your love will remain
A mighty fortress is our God
A tower of strength never failing
The name of Jesus true and strong
No other power could ever save us
You are good, You are good
Mighty fortress, mighty fortress
You won't abandon, You won't deceive
You won't desert us, You won't ever leave
You'll never forsake us, You will never run
You'll never reject us, The faithful one
Yesterday and today
And forever Your love will remain
Nothing has the power to sever Your love
You are good, You are good
And Your mercy endures
You are good, You are good
And You won't abandon (A mighty fortress is our God)
You won't deceive (A tower of strength never failing)
'Cause You won't desert us (The name of Jesus true and strong)
You won't ever leave (No other power could ever save us)
In the dry and thirsty land
You are the Water
You are the Water
When I'm on my knees again
Yours is the power
Yours is the power
When the battle weakens me
You will be my victory
You supply my every need
You supply my every need
Fill us with Your rest
Fill us with Your Spirit
Fill us with Your love
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need
Jesus, only You can satisfy
In the dry and thirsty land
You are the Water
You are the Water
When I'm on my knees again
Yours is the power
Yours is the power
When the battle weakens me
You will be my victory
You supply my every need
You supply my every need
Fill us with Your rest
Fill us with Your Spirit
Fill us with Your love
Only You can satisfy
Fill us with Your rest
Fill us with Your Spirit
Fill us with Your love
Only You can satisfy
Only You can satisfy
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need
Jesus, only You can satisfy
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need
Jesus, only You can satisfy
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need in You
I find everything I need
Jesus, only You can satisfy
only You can satisfy
Jesus, only You can satisfy
Oh I have found a rock where I can stand
When every other ground is sinking sand
Oh I have found the truth that breaks the dark
And love that mends a broken shattered heart
Oh how firm a foundation
What a comfort and peace
I am found in the arms of
Jesus Christ my High King
Thought fiery trials in my pathway lie
His all sufficient grace is my supply
And though sorrow and trouble 'round me rage
He will be my refuge in the flame
Oh how firm a foundation
What comfort and peace
I am found in the arms of
Jesus
Oh how firm a foundation
What confidence He brings
I am found in the arms of
Jesus Christ my High King
Fear not He is with us
Oh be not dismayed
Fear not He is with us
Oh be not dismayed
Oh how firm a foundation
What comfort and peace
I am found in the arms of
Jesus
Oh how firm a foundation
What confidence He brings
I am found in the arms of
Jesus Christ my High King